Love at Home

I spent the night in the ER. fever, chills, vomiting. Very yucky. On the bright side, my Mom bought me some new slippers, because something unfortunate happened to my old ones.

It seems I have a full blown kidney infection. Big surprise. Has many UTI’s as I have had since the beginning  of the cancer adventure, it had to happen sooner or latter. Lots of antibiotics now, urologist visit later.

My oncologist say it is not related to the cancer, I am doing very well of that front. I have a CT scan in a couple of weeks. If it turns out well I may get to quit giving myself the shots of blood thinner. Now there is something to look forward to!

I gained back a lot of the weight I lost last year, which annoyed me. What is the point of losing all the weight, just to gain it back? It seemed unfair to me. I thought the weight loss was like a reward, You have cancer-bad news, but you get to be skinny-good news. I did not know about the next part, you gain it back-bad news, but, it is there in case you need it-good news. I have lost about 10 pounds with the kidney infection. So, a little extra weight is a good thing, you might need it if you get sick.  Imagine the poor super model, she does not have 10 pounds to spare.

So over all I am good, better the yesterday. It certainly easier to have a good attitude if you feel good. When I was in the ER mine was really bad.

I have developed sacral fractures from the radiation. YUCK! Now I have similar pain as when I first realized I was sick. Not as bad as at the end but still no fun. I am taking something for the pain though and can usually stay on top of it. I go to the orthopedic clinic Monday and we will decide what happens next.

Chemo was all over about a month ago. Still no sign of my hair coming back (except on my legs ) and I have lost the last of my eyebrows and lashes.

I am really NOT enjoying the cancer experience.

At least there is good news as well. I have had my first post chemo scans and there is no cancer at this time.

Yea! Chemo is finally done. I feel pretty good and I spotted some hair growing back….

ON MY LEGS!!!!

Give me a break here, could I not get an eyelash or two before hair on my legs????

I know I should be glad to see hair growing anywhere, I am just a big whiner sometimes.

It is about a year since I first realized something was wrong. I am all done with treatment, it seems so strange. What do I do now? There is nothing I can do to insure my safety (except prayer.) I just have to wait. I have scans again in mid July.

We are (loml and I with the help of two very reluctant children) still trying to get the house whipped into shape. He (Loml) has worked very hard on it lately and I really appreciate it.

I am working a lot of hours with Mrs. Woods, and while I wish I did not have to work, it is such a blessing to work with her. She is one of the finest people I ever known. She can really turn a bad day around for me. A good attitude seems to be contagious.

Mrs. Woods had polio when she was a little girl and has accomplished more in a wheel chair than many able bodied ever do. Post polio has made life more difficult for her, but that is where I come in. I am the arms and the legs for her. She is a busy woman. Some days we work so hard!

So I am keeping busy and feeling pretty good.  I guess I am okay.

Tomorrow I go for chemo. After that I have just one more treatment and then I am done until/unless it comes back again.

Treatment has been pretty easy.  I feel good most of the time. The side effects I had were things I can live with. If everyone who does weekly taxol get off as easy as I did it a pretty impressive treatment.

Next I have tests. Lots and lots of tests every 3 months, but I do not think they will line up right, so it might be more like a pelvic and a consultation next week, a CT scan in June and an MRI in August. Then we repeat the whole thing every three months over and over again, for the next two years. After that the tests are done less often, which I find a little scary, but maybe something will change by then so I am not going to try not lose any sleep over it.

Even though most of the time I feel really good.  I still have moments where I feel that I am doomed, that the cancer is going to come back and next time it will kill me. Sadly it is always a possibility. I do not know if I will ever feel safe again, or even if I should. Angiosarcoma is an awful cancer. It almost always comes back. I have found maybe 3 people who have survived their diagnosis over 5 years.

I have done every thing that can be done and now I have to simply wait and see what happens.

My MRI results are in and my tumor is still not there!!!!

This means I has been cancer free since the beginning of October. 6 months with no cancer and NO pain! 6
months since I last tried to work out a good way to kill myself! Six months since I found out that cancer
was causing everything that was ruining my life.

I am so amazingly happy!

3 more chemo treatment to go and I can settle in to the new normal. I can’t wait.
I have done radiation and now chemo with weekly taxol. So far treatment has basically been a walk in the
park, anything is compared to how I felt before surgery.

I have been VERY blessed! I know this is does not mean that it will never come back  but it is not back now and I will take what I can get!

That is what I am doing here. Getting rid of lots of stuff.

Those of you who are naturally good housekeepers can stop reading now if you want. You may not see how big an accomplishment this is.

So far I have cleared of the table, my desk and my dresser and have been able to keep them cleared off. They look so nice.

Tonight I sorted through a box of junk that was laying around.

Basically I am making some progress, but am moving very slowly.

On the health front I am feeling pretty good. I have an MRI next week which will really let me know where I stand.

Woo Hoo! Four more chemo treatments to go!

My computer went down a couple of days ago and I had to install a hard drive that I have not used since before my surgery. There were no book marks to cancer sites, no saved information on sarcomas nothing, It was almost like time travel, back to B. C.  Before Cancer.

I am now 1/2 way through chemo and so far, other than the hair loss, some numbness in my left foot and my vision starting to be messed up, (perhaps this is a bit of an understatement) I am doing really well. I am starting to the the light at the end of the treatment tunnel. (I forgot to add that the eyelashes are going, I have eyebrows like Brooke Shields they might make it.)

I am working on the big home clean up project, again, I am going to add it to my Ultimate To Do List, (I refuse to call it a bucket list,) some way, some how I am going to get this house into shape. I am currently reading a book called The House that Cleans Itself. I know I need one more book on how to clean house. but this one seems to have a lot of potential.  I will post pictures when I get some time.

First to put your minds at ease about the last post. Loml and I had a long talk and we are okay once again. YEA! We have things to work on but I am not going to knock him silly with a pillow at 5 am. We still need some help. but things are better.

For my current question: From time to time I have thought that I posted a comment on someone’s blog, but when I went back the comment was not there. I just figured that I must have clicked something wrong and the comment never posted. There a couple of blogs that I know do not post my comments, because they are the ones that think we (the LDS,) and anyone who is not part of their own group, are a cult. I learned a long time ago not to comment there. I do not want W.W. III so I do not comment on religious matters. The only way anyone would know that I am LDS is to read the About section here.

A few days ago I left a comment somewhere that was intended to be uplifting and supportive. It posted, I saw it there and now it is gone, and it bugs me. I wonder if my comment was badly worded and taken wrong, but I don’t think so, I try to be careful about how I word things, or does she know that I am LDS and she does not want “my kind of people” posting comments on her blog.

My feelings are a bit hurt. I want to send her an email and ask her, nicely, carefully, why my comment was removed, but I do not want to add to the burdens she is having and it really is not a big deal, so maybe I should let it go.

I am open to suggestions. What do you think.

Physically I feel great. It is such a relief after last summer and fall. I have no pain, I sleep at night, I feel wonderful. Chemo (other than the hair) has been a breeze so far.

Mentally…I am a wreck. I am touchy. Little things, that I used to be able to overlook, set me off. I am almost always angry, mostly with my husband, sometimes the kids. I know how Loml is. He has really poor people skills, and I used to be able to handle that pretty well. Now I can’t at all. I want him to make some effort. I am tired of always (at least that is how it feels,) being the one who is making allowances for some else’s behavior. I want him to step up to the plate! Make some effort in treating my self and the kids in a civil manner and get a decent job while he is at it! I am sick of being the primary support of this family just because he does not think he can do better. I know he can, he is just so afraid of failing that he will not try. His job is so bad, it is worth the risk of losing it to try for something better.

I sometimes think I want to throw it all away but I know I can’t. He has never done anything to justify breaking up our marriage, (close sometimes, but not that bad,) and I know I could not deal with Sissy and Coder on my own.

He works part time in the evenings, I work during the day. I am alone with the kids every night, it is like being a single parent. I wait till he gets home at 11 before I go to bed, so I seldom get more then 7 hours of sleep, usually more like 6. He stays up till about 4 am, watching TV and playing video games, leaving me to fight the kids every morning getting them ready for school. This should not be a battle, especially for Coder, but it is. Lately I make him get up but I feel that I should not have to, I want him to go to bed early enough that we can function as a couple.

I worry about my health, I do not know how well the whole cancer thing is going to turn out. The longest survival I have seen with this is about 15 years. Average looks like less than 5. They caught mine really early so I am hopeful. I just want to be here long enough to get Coder grown up, I need 5 years every thing else is gravy. If I wind up living a shorter life because of this, I want it to be a happy one. What was good enough before does not feel good enough now.

My hair is falling out. The doctor said I would have some thinning, so I was not too worried but Saturday it started falling out all over the place! I have very thick (well it was) longish hair and when it started come out it just would not stop.I have now lost the equivalent of several small squirrels!

I got it cut yesterday. (locking the barn door after the horse gets out) Now I have short drab thin hair with a part that is about as wide as the grand canyon.

I liked my hair the way it was. I have to remind myself that this is temporary, and it is only hair. It will grow back.